As absolutely fantastic as my year-long travel sabbatical was, I definitely struggled with a huge variety of things, some of which I'd foreseen, but most of which shocked the heck out of me. I had serious doubts about writing this post, but have come to the conclusion that the struggles were as much a part of my trip as the euphoric, elated moments, and it if helps fellow travelers to relate, or can help a traveler-to-be feel better prepared, then at least something constructive comes out of it!
You'll also get quite the in-depth look at Elodie and her darker, more shameful corners. = / . . . .are you ready?? (top 3 are at the bottom)
4.) Constantly unpacking and repacking. WOW did I get sick of packing. This was one that I had foreseen, but the frustration mounted to such a peak that I nearly cut my trip off after 8 months . . . the draw to see Budapest, Prague, Tuscany, etc . . . was stronger though, so I packed it up and accepted that my 40 pound pack was my new best friend and would be the one accompanying me and permitting me to see lots of amazing places.
5.) Planning trips. Oh.My.Gosh. This was soooooooo not fun. I ended up despising the amount of time it would take to search online for what cities I wanted to visit, best airfare deals, train tickets, hostels, couchsurf hosts, how to get from one place to another . . . . being on a tight budget it would take extra time to compare prices and towards the end I became less thorough in my comparisons. I just couldn't handle the hours of research. Ugh.
6.) Not having a place of my own to settle. (I just counted last night, because I'm a dork like that and I was curious, but in my 12 months of travel, I slept in 87 different beds - haha! You know that feeling when you wake up and aren't sure where you are? Yeah - had that innumerable times) =) I realized that I wouldn't have my own home for the duration of my travels, but I hadn't considered how much that fact would bother me. Whenever I stayed at people's houses, (be it family, friends, or couchsurfing) I always felt like an intruder because let's face it, that's what a house-guest is! Granted there is a scale of wanted to unwanted house-guests and I gave my all to be the best house-guest possible (I actually considered myself a professional house-guest by the end. . .that was my job - ha!). But truly, constantly being a house-guest, intruding and being on others' schedules became very irksome. Staying in a B&B room all to myself was a HUGE luxury: my own space and my own schedule! Hostels were shared spaces, but at least I could follow my own schedule as well. I was amused and challenged by the vast array of dinner times I experience while traveling . . . anywhere from 6 pm to 11:30 pm..... I definitely learned more flexibility and adaptability.
7.) No routine. I reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaally miss things like grocery shopping, cleaning my house, training for races and exercising regularly (I've never missed going to a gym so much in my entire life!) I realize that may sound insane - who misses cleaning their house regularly?? I definitely didn't foresee this one, but after about 6 months I found myself severely missing the regularity of routine. When my last WWOOF in Scotland fell through and I ended up working for my stay at a hostel, I was cleaning rooms 3 hours/day and I actually found it surprisingly satisfying. Not a line of work I'm interested in pursuing for a career, but at the time, it fulfilled this void I'd had for 8 months!
8.) Defining what friendship means to me. I really struggled with feeling abandoned by friends and found myself repeatedly examining how I defined friendship. If a friend doesn't make an effort to email, skype, or stay in touch at all while we are apart, is that still a good friend?? What about just a few months?? If we have an awesome skype conversation after 4 months, does that make up for no communication in that time lapse? I know that life is ridiculously hectic, so what do I expect and need from friends while we are on different continents and struggling to coordinate with 6 - 9 hour time differences? Am I being a good friend? Are my friends asking themselves the same questions?? Am I meeting their needs and expectations? So many questions, and still so few answers.
9.) Seeing troubled marriages. Over the course of 12 months of traveling, seven countries and numerous hosts, I witnessed more struggling marriages than solid ones. I find that incredibly discouraging. It really makes me doubt our capability as human beings to find a compatible partner, someone with whom we can spend our whole adult lives. A lot of the relationships I saw made me never want to get married. =/ I found myself often wondering: "Will I ever find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with? A relationship where we challenge, love, inspire & support each other year after year? Is it possible to be kind to someone after you've been married 30 plus years??"(I'm still hopeful for YES answers!!!)
10.) Balance. Holy cow. I never thought I would struggle so much with balancing time when I was unemployed. Unreal. Truly unreal how difficult of a time I had making time for everything. The juggling act I ended up failing quite miserably involved 1. sleep, 2. exercise, 3. visiting with host friends, family, or couchsurfers, 4. sight-seeing / exploring, 5. keeping in touch (skype dates, blog, emails, etc . . . ) and 6. reading.
I remember one of my original goals for my travel sabbatical was to sleep 8 hours/night. Fat chance!! If I wanted to get a workout in first thing in the morning (which is, if I'm honest with myself, the only time it ever realistically happens) then that means waking up before a. the WWOOF day starts or b. my family or friends wake-up because I feel rude missing breakfast with my hosts. An early wake-up would be OK if I went to bed at a reasonable time, but typically the best time for skype dates, writing emails, updating my blog, planning the next trip, etc . . . . was late at night after my hosts have gone to bed. Again, a component of feeling rude - I don't go visit family and friends internationally so that I can spend hours at the computer.
Then there's the side when I'm not visiting anyone I know, but visiting a new place: I just want to be out exploring as absolutely long as possible!! Working out and doing ANYTHING on a computer means less time exploring.
"10b" Not being able to run - If you know how incredibly excited I am about running in new places, you might be questioning that last sentence, and that is one thing that killed a little piece of my soul: not being able to run in all of my new surroundings. After my sacrum went so wonky in August, I went through a period of 6 weeks of not being able to run at all. My months in Ireland and Scotland were spent really really slowly building my running back up. There are not enough words to describe how much I was looking forward to running though unexplored territory (especially of the Irish and Scottish variety), how much I adore running through gorgeous car-free countryside, and how crazy I went not getting my running endorphin fix or expending the prolific amount of calories I was consuming. I realize to non-runners it may sound absurd, but not being able to run was heart-wrenching and maddening. Exploring via running is one of my absolute favorite things to do, and I couldn't. It was depressing, frustrating, and fattening. For months, I oscillated between celebrating my progression (from 10 x 1 minute intervals to 6 x 5 minute intervals in a 4 month period) and grieving my lack of grand exploratory runs and pathetically short outings.
11.) Sick of social interactions. I got sick of talking to people. What? Those who know me may think I am joking, but it is true. By the end of my travels, I found that I had become very discouraged by getting to know people that I would never see again. It felt useless and depressing. I got to meet some really phenomenal people on my trip, and the shitty reality of it is that I will probably never see most of those people again. The upside is that I got to meet them at all - I do see that side of it also, but the whole "living in different countries" hurdle is a painfully tall one. . . . I find that depressing. I became very demotivated to continue meeting and talking to random people. I think I also severely craved interactions with people who know me well, and sharing more meaningful, deeper conversations.
And my TOP THREE biggest struggles: (these three all fall equal by rank, but for the sake of organization, I've numbered them below)
1.) My body. As a former personal trainer, this was the hardest one for me to decide whether to "publish" but such it is, full disclosure. Before becoming a personal trainer, I never would have imagined one struggling with things such as such body image, motivation to exercise, or gaining weight. I don't know why, it's not like I considered trainers to be super-human, but somehow they were immune to these issues. After three and half years in that role, I learned that there is no immunity. And it doesn't take a super-human, or an Exercise Science degree to figure out what will happen if you stop exercising and eat significantly more than usual. To eat, or not to eat?? That was my question. I LOVE food, I always have, and I especially love trying new foods in new places. That's a huge part of the experience for me. But I also couldn't run, and there was a significant period where I couldn't do TRX either and honestly, many days when I chose not to exercise for a multitude of reasons. End result? I gained nearly 20 pounds. Weighing myself was sporadic at best, and always on different scales, so I'm not sure of the exact number, but I do know that I don't like the way my body feels or looks. (working on that now). Every time I considered reigning in the food, I'd be presented with some new, delicious, unique opportunity and the effort was thwarted. I didn't want to miss out on any terrifically tasty treats, and to compound it - the meals that were "normal" (no terrifically tasty treats involved) were typically not the kind of food I would eat on a regular basis. . . . . which leads to struggle #2 . . . .
2.) Not being able to cook for myself. I had no idea this would be so difficult for me, which was perhaps completely naive of me considering how much I love to cook. By the end of the 12 months, it was to the point of withdrawal and at times I just wanted to cry from lack of control over what I was eating. Not having my own kitchen meant not having my regular food stash, and although some of my hosts were incredibly considerate and tried to have some of my favorite foods on hand, (and I very VERY much appreciated those items), it's just not the same. What I wouldn't have done for a slice of Great Harvest Dakota bread, all-natural peanut butter, greek yogurt, quinoa, whole wheat pasta, tempeh, the list goes on and on!!! Just eating veggies steamed instead of doused in Bechamel sauce and covered in cheese. Most of the people I stayed with cooked foods in very rich and heavy ways. It was delicious, but not at all what my abnormally sedentary body needed. Whenever I did get to cook for myself in a hostel or at a WWOOF site, it was sheer ecstasy!! The hostels that didn't have kitchens available were on my serious shit-list.
3.) Not having people with whom to share amazing experiences. There were definitely moments when this feeling was more acute than others. For the most part, I adore traveling alone. It allows me to do whatever I want, whenever I want, for however long I want. =) It opens possibilities that wouldn't otherwise present themselves. It creates opportunities to meet all kinds of fantastic people! But it can also become incredibly lonely. My first overwhelmingly lonely experience was in my 11 days gallivanting around Ireland. I got to see such breathtakingly beautiful places, but I didn't have anyone to share it with. I could tell people about it later, show them pictures, but it's simply not the same. Later, in Scotland, I was watching Into the Wild with some WWOOFers and there is a quote in the movie that says it all and makes me cry. It goes something like this: "Happiness is only real when it is shared." I have been incredibly lucky, and have gotten to experience countless marvelous experiences that have brought me immeasurable joy, but it would have been that much better shared.
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